Mother of Angels: Part 1

MotherOfAngels

I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, as long as I’m living my baby you’ll be.

– Robert N. Munsch

My name is Liezel Adams Emkie. I would like to share my experiences with you hoping that it will strengthen you, a family member or friend who has suffered the loss of a child. My husband and I suffered our first miscarriage in 2004. I would like to share with you my memories; the good and the bad and how it has made me the strong woman I am today.

Our first baby

When I was 20 years old we lost our mother to severe asthma. It was the most difficult time for our family as she was a very special woman and was always there for her family and friends.  I think my undeniable desire to take care of others comes from her. I was dating my now husband for just over a year when she fell ill and passed away. Francois and my mother only knew each other for one year but it was just enough time for them to forge an unbreakable bond that was admirable to the rest of us. She loved him as though he were her very own son.

I learned that I was pregnant just before my 21st birthday. I was very happy and Francois (My Husband) and I were very much in love and extremely excited for our baby. My baby sister was also pregnant at the time with her first, just one month ahead of me and in a very bad place still mourning our mother. We were excited to be pregnant together but sad also that our children would miss out on what would’ve been the best granny in the world.

The early signs

At two and half months I started bleeding slightly at work and went to the doctor immediately and he referred me to a hospital. I was young, inexperienced and I didn’t understand what was happening to me. The ladies at work told me that it was normal for women to spot in the first trimester and others said that I was probably going to have a “bleeding pregnancy”. I just took everyone’s advice. “Elevate your feet” they said, “don’t walk around too much” etc. But to me, I was in a dream and I was watching myself. I was scared for my baby and I didn’t know what to expect. It never dawned on me that these things could happen, and to me of all people. I didn’t know if I was strong enough for what lay ahead.

I started bleeding like a light period with slight cramping by the time I arrived at the hospital and huge blood clots were coming out of me and I kept wondering if that was my baby’s body parts. The nurses and doctors were tight lipped about everything and I didn’t know what kind of questions to ask. I was all alone.  I didn’t know why they didn’t tell me what was happening; I didn’t know if it was too much of a bother for them to explain to a 21 year old that she was busy having a miscarriage but they treated me kindly enough so I can’t really say why they kept me in the dark.

The nurses wanted me to take my clothes off and wear one of those night gowns for the patients. “We will take good care of your shiny boots and jacket”, they said grinning from ear to ear. They later said that I would be just fine and that I could go home if I wanted to. “The bleeding will stop eventually”, the pretty female doctor said.

I was so happy that I could go home. I was reminded of seeing my mother just after she passed lying still in her hospital bed. That image has never left my mind.

More cramping into the dark night

I got home after midnight that night and Francois and my father were asleep, but not for long. The cramping started and worsened every few minutes and blood was flowing fiercely out of me. The floor in the bathroom was covered by 01:30am. My father looked on helplessly and continued mopping up blood while Francois kept passing me sanitary towels and massaging my lower back. I was fully in labour but I had absolutely no idea! As a woman, I was completely alone without advice or someone to help me understand what was happening to me. Everything in my womb was being ejected. I didn’t have a painkiller or anything else to make the pain bearable but then again, I didn’t even know that a painkiller would not have worked at all. Francois spent the next four hours massaging my back and stomach while I wailed and cried for the pain to stop. But it carried on until 6 am that morning. A huge slug of blood came out of me and then the cramping stopped. The doctor later told me that it was the afterbirth.

I instantly felt better and so relieved. I cleaned up the place while Francois and my father got ready for work despite having not slept at all and I decided to go back to the hospital to tell them what happened and to ask what would happen next. My aunt drove me and I was in and out within 30 minutes. What they told me was such a shock and I believed them because they are the doctors after all. They did a scan and told me that my baby was fine and the bleeding is just a sign that the pregnancy was disrupted but as long as the pain was gone, both of us should be fine.

I was so happy! But I couldn’t stop asking myself that if I bled so much and endured all of that pain for more than 12 hours, how is it that my baby is unscathed? I forced myself to shrug it off because I so badly wanted the pregnancy to continue, so I remained in denial.

False Hope

A month and a half passed and I went back to the hospital and they confirmed that I was now 4 months pregnant! I had a mother’s blessing done with our Evangelist and Francois and I started speaking of marriage and all the wonderful things that come with having a baby. However, I am a woman, we are born with intuition. I didn’t trust the hospital or the doctors because I just knew something did not make sense. I begged Francois to come with me for a second opinion. He was so patient but very fragile when it came to he’s unborn child but I needed him to be with me because I knew something was not right. He couldn’t be with me that day but I still went regardless and I just tried to stay positive. How I wish that I was wrong…

My worst nightmare

The doctor did an ultra sound, sent me to the loo and asked me to come straight back. He sat me down on the bed and his face just fell. A tear rolled down he’s cheek and then he began to tell me that my womb had bled completely clean 2 months before, and that I miscarried the night that I was in so much pain and bleeding so badly. I froze. This man started crying and I still had the smile on my face. I just stared at him at first trying to absorb what he just told me. “How can my baby be gone if the hospital said that we were fine?” I became so confused and light headed at that point. I tried getting off the bed but I couldn’t see the ground. I felt dizzy, and it felt like my mother was dying all over again. The huge doctor took my arm and gave me the hug I so desperately needed at that moment. All I could think of was getting home. I needed to see Francois. I couldn’t tell him this over the telephone. I didn’t know what he would do? “Will he blame me? Will he leave?” I remember becoming so tired but slowly I walked all the way home. I called my job and told them that I wouldn’t be in for the rest of that week and then I just stretched out on my mother’s favourite couch. And I began to cry. Cried for my mother, for Francois, and for my baby that left me so long ago and I didn’t even know. I couldn’t even say goodbye.

I fell asleep eventually and Francois and my father came home from work and found me on the couch just staring into space. We got ready for church and I told them what the doctor told me. Francois was so sad. I did everything I could to make the blow softer for him but he took it much worse than I anticipated. He cried so much that I later became irritated with him. I just wanted to forget about everything and seeing him so depressed made it worse for me and I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life thinking about this. And I vowed never to cry again. I never cried for the baby after that. I comforted Francois as best I could, but I had cried all the tears I had that day, for our first baby. I will always remember the joy and the excitement that pregnancy brought to our lives in that short time and that baby is and will always be our first born.

(This is a 4 Part series, Stay tuned for part 2 and see what Mothers of angels have to endure when losing their babies)

About Leizel Adams Emkie

Leizel and Francios

Leizel and Francios

I am Liezel Adams Emkie, a 30 year old Executive PA at a Property Firm. I am  married to the love of my life Francois Xavier Emkie for 8 years. In my spare time I  love curling up to a good book and I treasure my book collection by famous authors. Writing and listening to music is something i love to do. Prioritizing family time in my life is what makes my heart happy.

I spend a lot of time with my husband and family; it’s my favourite thing in the whole world. My sisters and my father take up a big part of my heart, we’ve been through so much together, our bond is admirably strong and I love them so much. In the near future I would like to learn to play a musical instrument. I still have hope and faith to someday becoming a mother to a healthy bundle of joy.

Dearest Leizel

I am very touched by your story, and how you are brave enough to share it with my readers. Their are so many women who endures the silence of their loss and they feel alone. I am sure that this 4 part short story will show them how strong they are, how they aren’t alone and why they shouldn’t give up hope.

Thank You for being so courages and for pouring your heart out in this blog post.

I truly admire your strength. I myself saw my mother go through a miscarriage at the age of 12 and I felt her pain after losing our brother.

God Bless you and may your dreams of being a mother come true, I truly believe we serve a majestic creator.

Sincerely Sue

About the Author

Founder of the Just Pursue It Blog and Inspirational Women Initiative. I interview women from around the world to share their story of inspiration and hope. I'm a Motivational writer and Media designer, who is obsessed with everything Inspirational with a hint of Geek. Thrives on spreading everything Positive and enjoys the company of Fabulous Motivational people. Inspired by people with beautiful hearts. Loves Design, Interviews, Doing talks, Product Reviews, Fashion, Technology, Good food, Music and Creativity. Also adopted the role as "New Mom".

RIP dear cousin: Dealing with the passing of a loved one

“You don’t know who is important to you until you actually lose them.” 
― Mahatma Gandhi

A word of comfort

A word of comfort

Image Source

It almost seems wrong to start a Monday with this post, but it’s what is on my heart and writing about it is a part of my healing process. It’s even more surreal when you get a call from your youngest sister to say that your cousin just passed away an hour ago. The moment my brain started making sense of what Ally was saying was when it hit me so hard, I was left speechless and so clueless about how to react to the situation. Our cousin just passed away in a tragic accident and there was nothing we could do about it, and just like that, it was the end of his life.

Memories flood my mind as I think back on the good times. I haven’t seen my cousin for a long-time as he decided to live with his family (daughter and fiancé) in another town. But I often saw his parents as he’s my dad’s brother’s son. He was the one of the only two Brandt male cousins that would carry on the surname of the family, and now preparations to lay him to rest are being made. Every emotion, what if, and how could God do this to his family? Has gone through my mind. The questioning is so exhausting. The loss of a loved one is one of the most tragic and devastating things a person could endure.

I built up the courage to go see his parents and his sister, I was strong all the way, thought I had it all figured out. But nothing prepares you when you look deep into a grieving mothers eyes and see how a sad father tries to fight the tears. I could not contain the tears, the shock hit me again and it was a terrible feeling. Our cousin is gone, and there is no way to get him back.

When I think back on my cousins personality, I thank God for sending him down to be the younger brother I never had. Gavin and I had so many memories, for example, He was with me in the car the day before I was suppose to get my driver’s license, when I drove into a vibracrete wall with his dads car. I remember him saying “Oops! Zanny what just happened? Both of us left in shock but thinking back it was the funniest moment ever because we were so scared to call our parents!” or when I’d  see him almost daily after school and just go chill in his room before my dad fetched my sisters and I after work and we’d laugh till we cry. I’d help him with his school work and he’d buy me chocolate, it was our deal. Those memories no one can ever take away from me.

Cousins are usually the first friends in your life, they are your brothers and sisters when you don’t have, they fill an empty space when no friends are there to support and most importantly, they are family, blood and just special in every way. My cousin would have wanted me to end this post on a positive note. He was not perfect but always smiling. I love that I had him my life. There will never be another Gavin Brandt like him, there will never be a “Gavintjie” to replace him.

But if Gavin had one message to share, it would be: Live life to the best of your ability; Enjoy your food (He loved his moms cooking) Love your family and never stop laughing and making jokes.

Today we have the opportunity to live our life as and appreciate the ones in it. Yes life is not perfect, but If you were to die tomorrow, would you not want to give only your best today? So forgive, love, love yourself more, help others and just go home and hug your family. Appreciate them and enjoy every moment with your loved ones.

Sincerely Sue

Ps. Gavin has left behind both his parents (Aunty Pearl and Uncle Benni), his sister  (Lucinda)and 1 month old niece (Lameike), his daughter  (Cassy), her loving mother (Charleen) as well as his beloved grandfather (Mr Sinden). I wish the family all the strength through this time. We feel your pain and we pray for God to grant you acceptance during this time. We will never forget him. Never.

About the Author

Founder of the Just Pursue It Blog and Inspirational Women Initiative. I interview women from around the world to share their story of inspiration and hope. I'm a Motivational writer and Media designer, who is obsessed with everything Inspirational with a hint of Geek. Thrives on spreading everything Positive and enjoys the company of Fabulous Motivational people. Inspired by people with beautiful hearts. Loves Design, Interviews, Doing talks, Product Reviews, Fashion, Technology, Good food, Music and Creativity. Also adopted the role as "New Mom".