Our third baby
Pregnant again. I wasn’t looking forward to all the fussing but everyone was worried. I was worried. “What if the same thing happens to this baby?” I tried my best to be positive. I opted for baby books and a journal as I always felt better jotting things down. My mind set was scarred so badly that I subconsciously expected another miscarriage.
Despite my negative thoughts, I still had very happy thoughts. Thoughts that would take away the past pain and I would be peaceful…for that few minutes. I would imagine myself nine months pregnant and in labour; Francois is there in scrubs and he’s smiling broadly waiting to catch everything on tape. That moment, when it does happen one day, it will be one of my best memories. I regularly think of my babies; one day she/he looks like Francois, and the next day like me! And I love this baby so much. I haven’t met him/her yet, but I know exactly how I will feel and what I will do to keep that baby safe, loved and very happy. In my heart, I have always been a mother.
Third baby kept me on my toes like you’ll never believe.
I was so nervous! I didn’t want to take any chances. I just want to be at home. I was so afraid of putting my baby’s life at risk.
No, Not again!!
The pregnancy was progressing well after two months, but then I started spotting again. I prepared myself for the worst. And it happened. I lost the baby only 5 weeks after finding out about the pregnancy. I felt lost, almost numb, but I carried on. Besides, it’s not like I didn’t know what to expect. It’s going to be painful and then it will be over. And it was. I can’t even remember much of the details of the third miscarriage. I blocked it out so far because that was the pregnancy that was supposed to materialize right? Third time lucky everyone said… But It was so false, I had to say goodbye to Angel number 3.
The painful struggle forward
Francois and I struggled on our own after that, it was just too hard to speak about. Everyone wanted us to go for counseling. “Losing a child can make or break a marriage.” And the questions people asked us! It turned my sadness into anger and that is the worst state to be in while battling with grief. Why? How did this happen? What’s the cause? Is there something wrong with you? People mean well I do realize this, but read those questions again right now. And? Not very sensitive are they? No, I don’t know why it happened, if I did, I could tell the doctor and solve a lot of mysteries for myself and a lot of other women.
If I knew what caused it, I would’ve eliminated it from my life back then already so that it never happens again. If I knew what was wrong with me, I would’ve fixed it in a heartbeat. Most miscarriages are unexplained. Not even tests can give 80% of the women suffering from multiple miscarriages the answers they need. All we need is that strong shoulder to cry on, nothing else. Francois and I were so young back then, the last thing we wanted to do was leave each other. It would’ve made the pain of losing 3 children much worse if we had tried to grieve on our own.
When I look back now, our bond was stronger than I could’ve ever imagined. We married for love but no couple ever thinks about having to go through this while exchanging vows, and it shouldn’t be like that.
End of part 3. Lookout for part 4 tomorrow
I am Liezel Adams Emkie, a 30 year old Executive PA at a Property Firm. I am married to the love of my life Francois Xavier Emkie for 8 years. In my spare time I love curling up to a good book and I treasure my book collection by famous authors. Writing and listening to music is something i love to do. Prioritizing family time in my life is what makes my heart happy.
I spend a lot of time with my husband and family; it’s my favourite thing in the whole world. My sisters and my father take up a big part of my heart, we’ve been through so much together, our bond is admirably strong and I love them so much. In the near future I would like to learn to play a musical instrument. I still have hope and faith to someday becoming a mother to a healthy bundle of joy.